You got Impostor Syndrome — too?
This is it. You’ve messed this up. Your luck has finally run out and now you’re going to be found out. You’ll lose your status. You’ll lose your job. You’ll be exposed as a fraud. All of this house of cards you’ve built on sheer dumb luck will come down like an avalanche, and the worst of it all — people will laugh at you. They’ll point, and laugh at you. The countdown has begun.
Sounds familiar?
No, you’re not alone! As much as 71% of the US population suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and they are one of the most confident populations in the world. Let’s figure out the primary reasons behind this and try to find some strategies to help you use it to your advantage!
Why do we feel like a fraud?
Some of the below reasons will apply to you. Some might not. Let’s evaluate and dissect a few of the common reasons and triggers for feeling like a fraud! There are plenty more and please point them out in the comments!
> The secret you fear will come out: A majority of the impostor syndrome cases have a common root — a “personal secret”. A secret that people are so very afraid that everyone will find out eventually. This tells us to adopt weird and detrimental coping strategies like “Fake it till you make it”. A Life in progression isn’t really about ‘making it’ — it is a journey from one room to another one where you’ll feel like you’re a fish out of water all over again; and the “fake it” cycle begins one more time. This isn’t sustainable.
Many of us were high performing students in schools and we didn’t need to work that hard. Once you step up into graduate degrees, you’re suddenly in a pool of a much higher concentration of talented people just like you which makes you feel like your ‘secret’, that you didn’t work hard enough will now come out! This continues into our professional life and each time we change a job or have a promotion. “Faking it” might sound tempting but it doesn’t work in any realistic scenario because it is a vicious cycle that’s stressful to yourself and dishonest to your worth!
> Societal Conditioning: Best stated with a personal example. I’m from India. People have a lot of colonial baggage there that subconsciously tells us that western people / culture / mannerisms are better than the Indian ones! If you’re from the western part, this will sound crazy to you but trust me on this. From the beauty standards to English accents, and from type of toilets used to the poetry we have written; the subconscious feeling of insecurity, self-doubt and self-deprecation is a bigger epidemic than the current one worldwide! It does not help when (semi)famous people with a wide reach fuel this self-deprecation by constantly criticising every little flaw in the system with little to no societal and geopolitical sense.
No matter where you grew up, various kinds of social pressure and conditioning are extremely common. Don’t fall for this gaslighting.
> Ethnical Conditioning: People from ethnic minorities often have it rough especially when you see people yelling “go back to your own country” in groups of hundreds of thousands both online and in real life making you feel like a criminal and guilty of stealing the air and water of their country — even though you contribute to the society and pay taxes, often much more than national average!
Immigration policies often are explicitly designed to tell you that “you don’t belong here.” Even if you are extremely qualified, if you chose to leave your job, you usually have 30 days to find another one before you’re kicked out of a country you’ve called home for the past decade!
Even little language variations : “Expat” vs “Immigrant” are used to discriminate and make you feel small and an impostor. It doesn’t help.
> Gender Biases: Significantly more number of women suffer from Impostor Syndrome in various stages of their lives regardless of their success metric. A deep dive into gender specific conditioning is out of the scope of this article but be aware of this. Even if there aren’t any direct conditioning in your family, a various external media can be an implicit cause of developing a subconscious feeling of inadequacy. Then there is gaslighting by influential men (and often, women too) in power addressing you as Sweety, Sweetheart, Love and literally anything but your name to implicitly indicate that you’re naive and you don’t belong there. Mind boggles reading about the current first lady of the USA were criticised for using Dr. as her title in national TV!
There are so many acpects and facets to this that, as a man, I can’t even imagine or simply not aware of. Don’t listen to me. Listen to fellow women who has endured this. Go get Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” or “Half the Sky” by Nicholas Christof and Sheryl WuDunn and so many more books on this. Just know that you’re not alone. You can reach out for help.
Let me know if you find more of these in the comments below as I am also, just like you, in process of figuring this out!
Strategies
Where there’s a problem, there’s a chance to solve that problem. Here are some strategies that work for me. Hope you find them useful too!
1) Embracing the secret: When you have a weakness you’re embarrassed about and you are afraid that somebody will find out and use it to hurt you, embrace that weakness and wear it like a badge of pride; so that it can never be used by anyone to hurt you in the future.
My current ‘secret’? I feel like I’m not a great engineer. A lot of people disagree but I know I have a long way to go to become what I think I can really become. Instead of “faking it till I make it”, I openly admit this. I’m curious, eager to learn and when it is my ignorance or shortsightedness, I admit, ask questions, and go back to learn it for my sake. If you are honest to yourself, no one can leverage a secret against you.
2) Be kind to your physical self: Here’s my tip: talk to your body parts like you talk to an old friend! No, don’t laugh! Try to interact with your feet, your limbs, your tummy, your hands, knees, and your smile like they are your friend! Just try it for a week. It will feel weird for some time but it’ll pass. It is easy to say ‘be comfortable in your skin’ but it actually is one of the hardest things to achieve. Luckily, like everything, practicing makes it much easier over time. Trust the process!
3) Unlearning social structure: Diversity is the key for a long term, sustainable growth and success. Cognitive diversity comes from all sorts of ethnical, societal, geographical, linguistical, economical, physical, neurological and all of the rest. Embrace it. Live it. Learn from it. Actively support and champion it. The only barriers are the one we put up ourselves. Break them down with all your might.
4) Get a support system: Family, Friends, Partners, Mentors. You’ll need all of them and use them wisely. Cherish them. Be grateful and express your gratitude for them. In return, if possible, be there for them in need also!
A support system should work like a mirror which reminds you of yourself; the unique, wonderful person you are and what you can do to continue progressing in life and not get stuck! I personally am not very big on counseling/therapy for my personal case but I have heard them being very helpful to many people. Please do take all the help you can afford.
5) Stare down the adversary: I’m aware this is not a politically correct advice but I personally despise bullies and sometimes it is necessary to stare down one. Developing self-worth is key (follow #2). Question authority. Don’t let anyone walk all over you. Trust your legs. Resist.
6) Gratitude: I always thought this was useless, but I’ve recently been proved wrong! Expressing gratitude grounds you. Take some time to find out who made you happy? What helped you? Who made a positive impact on you? What did you enjoy? What made you feel alive? Which song calmed you down and/or pumped you up? Find a little quiet moment to reflect and perhaps, write those happy and positive parts of your life down.
Practice feeling thankful for all of it that made a positive impact on your life. Do you remember that, to repel Dementors, those creepy creatures that sucked out happiness and life, wizards used to create Patronous Charm by conjuring all of their happy thoughts? Well, that wasn’t all a fairy tale! Reflecting on the positives helped me immensely. I hope it helps you too!
7) The brightest person in the room: If that’s you, it means you’re in the wrong room! If there is a little nervousness that you’re not up to the level of others sitting in the table, embrace that and make this an opportunity to sharpen your skills even more. Next step? Move on to the next room! Listen to what Masha, an ex-Googleer, has to say on this:
8) If you never try, you’ll never know: Often people don’t even try because we’re all afraid to get humiliated! The funny thing here is people are too busy to remember what silly thing you did within matter of days! What we think people think of us are usually very wrong! Everyone has a different image about everyone in this world and seriously nobody has the time to think about you or your #fails but yourself. So, go for it. What is the worst could happen!
Conclusion
Embrace the fear you’re feeling like an old friend. Accept you have this fear and don’t try to hide it under any pretenses. Don’t let it control your future. Wear it like a badge of honor out in the open so it cannot be used to hurt you ever again! Ask yourself, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?